Tuesday, September 18, 2012

How To: Make A Stereotypical Scary Movie

Step 1: Above all, make sure the black, or closest to a minority character dies first.

Step 2: Have a dumb blonde or brunette white girl who is responsible for the deaths of many of the characters in the movie.

Step 3:  Include a clueless person or group of people who insist that despite the fact everyone around them is dying, that nothing is going to happen to them.

Step 4: Have a scene where a character is running through some seedy looking forest and despite there being no branches on the ground or anything the magically fall or they decide to run while looking back instead of making sure the killer won't pop out in front of them while they're running.

Step 5: Put in a dark and mysterious or strange and abandoned place where nobody has any business going to unless they are a construction crew told to tear the place down. Be sure to have a group of young naive student who just insist that its fun breaking and entering into the dark abandoned place. Another one is opening boxes that looks freaky,

Step 6: Have that one bad actor that you just wonder what the purpose of having them in the movie to begin with. *Cough* Brandy in I Still Know What You Did Last Summer and Paris Hilton in House of Wax.

Step 7: Make sure the movie is like the 10th sequel to an originally good movie but 10 sequels later its just a time to build off a dead franchise by including a bunch of special effects and cliches.

Step 8: Have some attention seeking loser who decides to just kill a bunch of people instead of just getting a puppy as a friend.

Step 9: Have a person or group of people that are stupid enough to do things like say "Is anybody there?" as if the killer will pop out and say "whoops you found me, now its your turn to hide" or something like "lets all split up", that crap only works in Scooby Doo.

Step 10: Include a soundtrack with some intense violins and deep and creepy bass and overly dark visuals to the point you can't tell whats happening on the screen.

Follow those 10 steps and you'll have a stereotypical scary movie in no time.

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